Using One Another to Our Own Benefit Is Real

“She’s just using you boo…” I was told this morning by someone who does not know me very well.  This comment revolves around a situation concerning a relative of mine who is an addict.   I am unsure whether she is really using or not, some say she is, others no, she of course tells me she is not.  To me, that is beside the point.  I’ve learned from being an addict, and dealing with addicts that there’s nothing I can do to help myself, or someone else unless they truly, deep down want to help themselves.  If there is any kind of reservation than relapse is inevitable.  I don’t know what she feels.  She’s very good at only saying what she thinks I or anyone needs to hear, so I’ve stopped asking too many questions. Whatever.  I’ve seen it over and over again.  If she is using, hitting that hard, cold bottom hopefully will be hard enough this time to wake her up, and open her eyes.  But then again, I don’t really know if she’s out there again.  I don’t associate with her enough to really know, because I guess I really don’t want to.  I just want to help.  That’s all When I was out there really bad about twenty years ago there was only one person who was always there for me no matter what.  Not to enable me, but just be there for me, give me a place to stay, listen to me moan and sob about my problems, and let me come and go because she knew if she tried any differently it would only push me away and out there further.  She was my Mom.  I wish she was here now more than anyone knows, but she lived enough drama and heartache of her own and passed away a long time ago.  What I’m getting at is that okay sure I know my relative has used me for a long, long time, dating all the way back to high school.  I knew that.  I still know it.  I use her and a lot of people too.  But I’ve learned to look past that.  Even if she is, I’m still doing something for her no one else is doing.  I just listen. Give her a place to stay for a night.  Make her laugh, whatever.  Because guess what?  We all use each other for different reasons.  We use everyone if you really think about it.  We use ourselves for different circumstances and situations.  We use people to get what we want.  May it be using your job as a stepping stone to get to the next career level.  Maybe it’s using your best friend to make you feel better about yourself, or your boyfriend or girlfriend to help you feel complete.  There are so many scenarios I could go on and on, but I think and hope you get my point.  So when someone throws that at me I just take it in stride and laugh to myself.  I think to myself, “So I guess that was meant to hurt me in some way…. Oh well, nice try.”  But in reality, the confusion and feeding the bad parts of her situation by stressing her, and playing games with her mind is only making the situation worse.  He and so many people are just pushing her farther over the edge.  And what’s really sick about all of this is that their small child is seeing all of this.  Not her using, but hearing and seeing Mommy and Daddy fight.  Hearing and seeing her Grandmother feed into and stir the insanity.  Although she does not see it all.  It’s sad really.  History repeating itself. Not so much the addiction, but a small child witnessing unstable family members cause drama, but who are too selfish to really see what they are doing, even though everyone claims they are doing everything and saying everything for the child, give me a break no ya’ll aren’t.  Ya’ll are way past that now.  I don’t even think they really know why they do and say the things they do anymore.  This same pattern has been going on for years.  Addicts and patterns.  It’s so obvious to some, such as me.  I saw it in myself so I decide to break the pattern, the vicious cycle.  It was like taking a hard object and throwing it at a glass wall and watching it shatter, shards hitting the floor because reality came crashing down, and then silence when it was all over.  It was hard to witness and experience, but when the peace and silence came it was something like no other.  Until she, and the others are ready, true insanity will repeat itself.  Over and over and over.  The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting different results.  That is the definition of this situation until eyes are opened and everyone stops and takes a look around not only at the others in this situation but a long, hard look at themselves and how they are participating in the situation and what they can do to change it.  I keep them at arms distance.  I am not here to solve the problem.  I don’t want to.  That’s not my place.  They have to solve it for themselves.  I’m just here to point out what I see and hopefully lighten the load on occasion for my relative.  As one of the players in this game put it, I’m just a mediator.  Fine.  If that’s how you want to look at it.  But there needs to be a solution.  Or the next generation will pick up where you leave off.

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