I know I haven’t posted anything in few days and I feel guilty and constantly feel like I need to write and post, but there just seems to be so much on my mind and so many different things to do I just don’t know what to do first! I’m finally able to sit down and relax for a bit so I’ll blog for a few.
I’ve started working on a little project. Some may call it a bit morbid, others may see it as I see it, as a way to help prepare myself to grieve. My Grandfather, Paw Paw, as we call him is 90 years old and will probably pass on sooner than later. He and my Grandmother, Maw Maw, pretty much raised me and my younger brother for most of our lives. He is the closest person I can call my Father. My real Father passed away when I was 10 years old so that explains that.
Being my grandparent he is from a different era. An era I wish still existed. A time when men were gentleman and women were ladies. There was still respect for one another, especially themselves, and people knew how to work, were not lazy, they had morals and values. The Golden Rule was still upheld. He taught me that education and learning was what would get me places in life. He taught me to use my God given talents and not to let them go to waste. Respect my elders, give thanks, be true to myself, be honest, and appreciate my family.
Wisdom and anecdotal knowledge was a constant flow from this man. I didn’t take what he was trying to teach me serious at the time, but I did listen. I just chose to store it all away, learn my lessons the hard way, then finally decided to grow up and live life the way I was meant to. I’ve told him on numerous occasions how much I appreciate what he taught me. I couldn’t have asked for a better teacher. I think he’s a little upset that I didn’t listen to him and saved myself and my family so much trouble, but everyone learns in their own way and in their own time. He understands that about me now.
So the project that I am working on is tribute to this amazing man’s life. He and my Maw Maw were the foundation of our family. Once he passes things will never be the same. Honestly it hasn’t been the same since Maw Maw passed away. He crumbled not long after she left us. He put up a brave, strong fight for a long time. Never letting on that his heart was hurting knowing that his best friend, the love of his life was about to move on from this thing called life. I saw it. I always see the pain in other’s. I guess because I’ve seen so much myself.
He still comes around sometimes when I go in his room to talk to him while he sleeps away the last of his days. Dreaming of times long forgotten. Let him. If that’s what makes him happy. He’ll crack a few witty jokes that he’s ever so good at. Act like a spoiled sick child stuck in bed. We let him. It’s all in good fun. Still trying to make us all laugh. Never fails.
So the project is a presentation of photos, quotes he’s known for, hopefully some video if I can get ahold of some, and music clips that relate to songs that he would sing and dance to around the house. Power Point. I’ve envisioned exactly how I want it to go. I want to share with everyone all of the best memories I can find. Not to make everyone cry and be even more mournful than they will already be, but to put smile’s on their faces, call out, “Yep I remember that!”, while everyone else laughs and nods their heads. Death doesn’t have to be a sad day where everyone sits quietly in the pews of the huge, oppressing church, whispering amongst themselves, and talking about one another. Trust me I’ve been to enough of these things called funerals to know that’s how it would be. No. He doesn’t deserve that. I want to give him a fond farewell. I was told tonight that it has not been done in the church before during a funeral mass. So? I’m still going to ask if I can. I don’t take the answer no very well. I wasn’t saying put my presentation on during, mass. No, no no. I’d, want it during the time where everyone is sitting in the pews. Visiting the urn. Mulling about. Not knowing what to do with themselves because it’s an awkward funeral. We’ll see. I’m sure I can pull it off somehow. If not on the big screen, I’ll set up my computer in the lobby. I just want as many people as possible to see it. I know it will make him smile wherever he will be. He will look down and definitely smile. That’s what really matters. And it will make the whole process for everyone be not such a painful experience to endure. They may leave that day with a little more than grievances and sorrow.
I’ve experienced so much death in my little life span that I’ve taught myself how to accept death. Not that I’ve gotten used to it, not at all. It still hurts to lose someone. It takes a long time to mend the heart and quiet the crying of the soul. Once Mom had passed I found a little niche in me that allowed myself to see death as a liberating experience for the person who has passed on. They were here for awhile, lived, dreamed, laughed, loved. Cried, struggled, tried, failed. You name it they probably did it. And they they’re gone. We cry, wail, moan, our hearts hurt so much it feels like it’ll beat right out of our chests. It’s the end of the world as we know it. That’s the problem right there. It’s not the end of our world. It’s the end of theirs. Can’t be selfish about death. It’s not fair to them. I had to think long and hard about how it was such a blessing for Mom to pass on. She was no longer in any pain from being ill. She wouldn’t have to worry about me and if I was going to be okay in life. She wouldn’t have to worry about if this little world of ours would even make it much longer at all. Nope. She went on to the next part of life. Some people call it Heaven, others call it a different realm, there are so many belief’s concerning this topic, but for this topic I believe there is a Heaven or some other dimension our souls go on to after leaving this place called Earth. That’s where Paw Paw’s going to go. He’ll meet up with Maw Maw and so many others and wait. Wait for the rest of our soul circle to meet with them at our end. It’s a joyous thing really. In a way it’s something to look forward to because death down here is definitely not the end. I believe it’s just another ending to another part in each and everyone of our book’s called life.